Living in the Now

This post is inspired by my friend Bree's latest entry.

Living in the present is so very important.
I believe I do this most of the time.

I have memory issues - I am not sure if they are self-inflicted so that I can live in the now, or if they are related to my epilepsy and the meds I take for it. (it is completely controlled)

I don't dwell in the past much, because I can't remember alot of it. What I do remember is emotions connected to the present.
Let me explain, I take my younger son, Ay for a bike ride or play in the yard with him, while my oldest, J, is at school. I find myself suddenly nostalgic remembering my J doing the same things with me, (not all that long ago), I almost feel guilty about it, The emotion is guilt I believe. It can bring me to tears. I realize this is totally unfair to Ay. I find myself realizing what I am doing and have to reel myself in to the present, I say self, "stay here with Ay right now, enjoy this as much as you ever did with J, if not more. Years from now you will feel guilt for not enjoying this, and you will be so nostalgic for this very moment" Suddenly I find myself enjoying the now again.

I do have to force myself to "make memories" - if something feels special to me I focus on every feeling, scent, sight of that moment. These are the memories I get that nostalgic feeling about.
And the ones I can remember the most. When my Ay was 8 months old, I was all alone with him holding him as he snuggled close, I realized this may be the last time in my life I get to hold such a small body, which Is MY child so close. I relished in the moment, now it is such a joyous memory with all the feelings attached, I can easily tear up remembering that moment. I am happy to have such feelings about the past, but realize if I dwell that can be unhealthy so I force myself back to here.

Blogging also helps with ridding me of an unpleasant now. If something is on my mind and I don't really want it to stay there, just write it out, and let it go. That way it is still around, but I don't have to keep it with me.

As far as how the future helps me stay in the present,
when I was in high school, every grown up kept saying how this was the best time of our lives, to enjoy it because when it was gone, it was gone. I was sitting outside eating my lunch with friends, when I thought of what this meant, I looked around at all the wonderful people around me and imagined them not there anymore, because of growing up and having responsibilities, that is when it hit me to enjoy every second, because that future wasn't here yet, and I may not enjoy it as much. Or I might but because it is unknown and I was happy at that moment, that is where I wanted to stay. This moment is when I started consciously "making memories".
When I think about the future now, I have no feelings attached, I feel like I can take it when it comes and not worry about it now. I realize than now means more than stressing about what hasn't happened yet.
The only time I do really contemplate the future is when the now isn't pleasant.

I recently made a sale, It was an enameled piece, right before packaging it up at 9 at night, I noticed a chip in it. Now I do not want to sell something online which is flawed. I decided to fire it one time to reflow the enamel.
well I must have not cleaned it well enough because that one firing ruined it! I had already sole it and it was ruined.
The only thing to do was make it over. I worked til 1am. and it still wasn't right. It is very difficult to get enamel the same in two pieces. I have to say near impossible. So right before bed I said this to myself (I always say this in hopeless or uncomfortable situations - which also allows me to involve myself in situations which my shyness almost cripples me, I do them anyway and get through saying this)
"Think about next week, (or 3 days or a month, whatever time frame is appropriate), next week this will all be over and either it will be a good outcome or a bad one, but next week it will be over and you will still be here and you will be OK."
This allows me to push through a difficult now, but it also allows me to still experience the now.


This probably wasn't cohesive or coherent, but that is ok.

Christmas Time!

I love Christmas Time, moreso since I had kids.

I don't particularly like the commercialism surrounding Christmas.
However the parts of the commercialism I do like is - going to the mall and sitting on a bench and watching the people. People can be quite entertaining!
I like the fact that is boosts the economy! I worked at a high end Jewelry store for a while, and believe me they start talking Christmas in July! Christmas is when they make their money, I dare say half the years profit comes from Christmas time.

As far as my teeny tiny business goes, nothing really changes at Christmas time, I have made some specific Christmas sales over the years, but nothing to brag about.
This year, no different
I can't even put my new merchandise in my shop,
MY CAMERA BROKE! All the way BROKE!

Traditionally we would go to my parents house for Christmas. My family and my Brother's family.
Since my dad died 3.5 years ago, we have tried to keep up the tradition. But it is not the same!
We get together, and my hubby makes my dad's special dish, and there is just an air of, well not the same joy that there used to be.
There are 3 small children now though, and it is very fun to watch all three tear into their gifts.
that is very joyous!
My husband and I, do not have alot of $$, therefore we cannot get great gifts for my mother, brother and SIL. Though we try to for the kids.
There is some (not guilt, not shame, I just can't think of the word) because they always get us really nice, and expensive things.
My mother always asks what we want specifically, and what we want is never cheap. But she seems to get joy out of getting us those things we cannot get for ourselves.
I don't really care for the getting something for someone because I asked what they want, but I would rather put some thought and creativity into it. Even if I gave someone a four-leaf clover for good luck, that should mean more than some $1000 leather boots (just an example).

Anyway we have made the decision to break away from our standard christmas.
We don't want to drive 3 hours again (just did it for Thanksgiving and the kids were not happy about the drive). We don't care for sleeping in a bed which is too small for hubby, me and my youngest. Its cold there. And my dad isn't here anymore, why try to keep things the same, when they are not?
And Christmas does not even mean the same for us as it does them.
They are all Christian and Jesus birth yadda yadda,
For me I prefer to celebrate in a more pagan style - ya know the original festivities.
The tree, yule log, garland, ext....

I hate lying to my kids about Santa. When my oldest was one and two years old people kept asking what Santa was bringing. I hated to start with it, and felt I had no choice. Now they believe whole heartedly.
Oh well maybe when they realize Santa is not a real entity they will question other made up Characters.
And maybe they will not begrudge us for lying, for the sake of the magic and wonder of Christmas.

This year we will be celebrating with friends! YAY I am so excited. I am looking forward to helping plan the food, and making the food, I want to make a Yule Log Cake with my kids on the Solstice, They need to know what Solstice is all about, not enough people celebrate it in its own right. And I am making gifts for them from the heart. My kids will also make something, though I am not sure what yet. I want my hubby to also but he is so busy he may not be able to.
That is ok though, this christmas is about family and friends and togetherness, and love, more than gift giving.

We want to give my kids a good Christmas first and foremost. We have already gotten my eldest son a bike and my younger one a nice jungle play set.
They may get a few more items but it won't be much this year.

Anyways I am happy, and I am pulling out the decorations soon!