Living in the Now

This post is inspired by my friend Bree's latest entry.

Living in the present is so very important.
I believe I do this most of the time.

I have memory issues - I am not sure if they are self-inflicted so that I can live in the now, or if they are related to my epilepsy and the meds I take for it. (it is completely controlled)

I don't dwell in the past much, because I can't remember alot of it. What I do remember is emotions connected to the present.
Let me explain, I take my younger son, Ay for a bike ride or play in the yard with him, while my oldest, J, is at school. I find myself suddenly nostalgic remembering my J doing the same things with me, (not all that long ago), I almost feel guilty about it, The emotion is guilt I believe. It can bring me to tears. I realize this is totally unfair to Ay. I find myself realizing what I am doing and have to reel myself in to the present, I say self, "stay here with Ay right now, enjoy this as much as you ever did with J, if not more. Years from now you will feel guilt for not enjoying this, and you will be so nostalgic for this very moment" Suddenly I find myself enjoying the now again.

I do have to force myself to "make memories" - if something feels special to me I focus on every feeling, scent, sight of that moment. These are the memories I get that nostalgic feeling about.
And the ones I can remember the most. When my Ay was 8 months old, I was all alone with him holding him as he snuggled close, I realized this may be the last time in my life I get to hold such a small body, which Is MY child so close. I relished in the moment, now it is such a joyous memory with all the feelings attached, I can easily tear up remembering that moment. I am happy to have such feelings about the past, but realize if I dwell that can be unhealthy so I force myself back to here.

Blogging also helps with ridding me of an unpleasant now. If something is on my mind and I don't really want it to stay there, just write it out, and let it go. That way it is still around, but I don't have to keep it with me.

As far as how the future helps me stay in the present,
when I was in high school, every grown up kept saying how this was the best time of our lives, to enjoy it because when it was gone, it was gone. I was sitting outside eating my lunch with friends, when I thought of what this meant, I looked around at all the wonderful people around me and imagined them not there anymore, because of growing up and having responsibilities, that is when it hit me to enjoy every second, because that future wasn't here yet, and I may not enjoy it as much. Or I might but because it is unknown and I was happy at that moment, that is where I wanted to stay. This moment is when I started consciously "making memories".
When I think about the future now, I have no feelings attached, I feel like I can take it when it comes and not worry about it now. I realize than now means more than stressing about what hasn't happened yet.
The only time I do really contemplate the future is when the now isn't pleasant.

I recently made a sale, It was an enameled piece, right before packaging it up at 9 at night, I noticed a chip in it. Now I do not want to sell something online which is flawed. I decided to fire it one time to reflow the enamel.
well I must have not cleaned it well enough because that one firing ruined it! I had already sole it and it was ruined.
The only thing to do was make it over. I worked til 1am. and it still wasn't right. It is very difficult to get enamel the same in two pieces. I have to say near impossible. So right before bed I said this to myself (I always say this in hopeless or uncomfortable situations - which also allows me to involve myself in situations which my shyness almost cripples me, I do them anyway and get through saying this)
"Think about next week, (or 3 days or a month, whatever time frame is appropriate), next week this will all be over and either it will be a good outcome or a bad one, but next week it will be over and you will still be here and you will be OK."
This allows me to push through a difficult now, but it also allows me to still experience the now.


This probably wasn't cohesive or coherent, but that is ok.