Secret #1

I am not sure what I hope to get out of this, I already know I am creative. Maybe to amplify and clarify my creative self. It gets lost sometimes.

This chapter mentions taking risks, even if it means being wrong. I know I do that, probably to a fault. I will try something without ever sitting with it long enough to evaluate the chances of success.
ie. my etsy store. When I found etsy, I didn't know anything about it, I just jumped right in even with terrible photos and started listing items before ever getting my storefront ready.
But that isn't really being creative, just overly eager.

My ultimate creation, is my children. I have felt compelled to "create" the perfect little people. It is really unfair to them, but I have been almost compulsive about what my older son is exposed to. My younger son, not so much - I have let it go a bit lately.

But in this caretaking, My artistic self has been stifled. It screams to be let out. I feel like I always HAVE to do something or my 'self' will collapse.
I cannot always go to my studio to create, so I have let loose on painting, that felt wonderful for a while. but it got old, I moved on to pen and ink drawings (I CANNOT draw, so it wasn't as satisfying). then I was able to get outside more and I utilized my kiln, that fueled my artistic fire as long as I could go. Then things got too hectic to get out for several hours at a time, so I exploded into yarn art - hats and animals -(previous post).

I feel like my creative self is disorganized and chaotic. I can't focus on one thing and then when I can I stand there lost sometimes not knowing where to begin, yet wanting to begin everywhere.

There is one major obstacle for me, $$.
I want to channel my creative self into a career. I want to merge the two.
But when I am creating with $$ signs in my eyes, then what I am making suffers. I don't know why. It always comes out better when I am creating without the stress of 'will it sell'.
Those are limitations which inhibit my freedom.

the problems are if I spend too long on something I have to charge more - If I try to do it faster craftsmenship suffers (I won't sell anything with poor craftsmenship) Then all that time is wasted.
If I make it too complex, I have to charge more and it won't sell.
If I make it too simple - no one will be interested.

I hate these limitations I place upon myself.
It is nice when I don't have a show coming up - I feel freer to create whatever I like regardless of external reasons to, or not to, do something.

Also I do question my own creativity oftens,
like "am I taking to many ideas from others?" or "Is this creative at all or just technical"

I think I am drawn toward the jewelry because it is very technical. I can mull over ideas while assembling something else, or soldering things together.

I like to paint because of the freedom it offers - it doesn't have to be technical at all! it can be quick or slow it can be ugly or pretty - it just doesn't matter - (and if you screw up, you aren't out of gobs of money)

(I feel judgment from all around, I don't know if I need this to better myself or if it crushes my creative spirit just a little each time, my hubby is my worst critic - and yet I need his input even if it hurts)

to quote the chapter itself...
I think what my soul wants is "freedom to express all my creative impulses without judgement."